The Sunday Telegraph
Edition 1 - StateSUN 25 SEP 2005, Page 080

Crowe's all-stars to save Rabbitohs

By PAUL KENT

A TOP-SECRET dossier detailing Russell Crowe's bid to buy a share of South Sydney landed on this desk yesterday, prompting a call to stop the presses. After a solid drink and a lie down, common sense prevailed and a closer look was taken.

Entirely unverified, the dossier reveals a team list, one that shows the apparent lengths Crowe is prepared to go to live out his dream of pulling on the red and green should he obtain ownership of the club. In other words, if he owns the club, nobody can stop him.

While industry experts remain split over the validity of the dossier, they agree that given Crowe's remarkable talent to immerse himself in a role he stands a better than average chance of pulling off the career switch.

It appears that Crowe's Hollywood performances have been the ideal preparation for any opportunity that may come along, should coach Shaun McRae ever be interested, or should new owner Crowe over-ride him.

Here, in full, is the leaked list:

No1: The custodian is safe under pressure even when there is nowhere to hide. He knows exactly when to chime into the backline or scout around the middle of the ruck feeding off any crumbs from the forwards. No man better epitomises these qualities of strength and stealth than Dr Jeffrey Wigand, otherwise known as The Insider.

No2: In the absence of speed and power, the suspicion is that wingers are the pretty boys of any NRL team. Or quick on their feet, the theory goes, because they're a bit light in the loafers. So how can you go past the robust Jeff Mitchell, from The Sum Of Us. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

No3: No team can win these days without a gunslinger in the centres, a player able to pull the trigger when opportunity arises. In Cort, the ornery cowboy from The Quick And The Dead, the fact that he is a survivor at all indicates he is a proven match-winner.

No4: The Artie Beetson of the backline, this guy is always ready to attack at a moment's notice. Given this, nobody is better qualified than Hando, fresh out of Romper Stomper.

No5: If wingers aren't all light in the loafers, then they're often found standing out on the wing earning a wage under false pretences, many unable to even catch a cold. To guard against this, throw the ball to Terry Thorne and ask him to catch it. Even a mildly successful attempt will be accepted as a sign of Proof Of Life.

No6: The architect of the attack, the five-eighth, needs to be cool under pressure but ready to strike when opportunity arises. He must be able to survey the landscape and, for his kicking game, must know every blade of grass on the ground. Jack Aubrey, the Master And Commander, would make a great five-eighth and skipper.

No7: The halfback must be a mercurial schemer, the kind of player able to see things that aren't there and then make them a reality. So who else would you want looking two plays ahead than John Nash, from A Beautiful Mind.

No13: At lock, we need a clever ball player, somebody with rare vision that relies on skill, not strength. But he also has to be tough, a go-getter who recognises it's not always the size of the dog in the fight but the size of the fight in the dog. Now if you'll only remember Sheriff John Biebe, from a little town called Mystery, Alaska.

No12: We don't so much want a footballer at second row as an athlete, somebody capable of making 18 hit-ups and 34 tackles every week and who can play through injury. Somebody like that robot in Virtuosity, the one they called SID 6.7. He'll go all day.

No11: Packing in next to him we want somebody who will tackle until the cows come home; a hardnut who doesn't know when to quit. Who better than Jim Braddock, the Cinderella Man, a guy who doesn't know the meaning of the word quit, not to mention a few other words as well.

No10: At least one prop position has to be filled by a meat-eater, a carnivore who would rather a fight than a feed. So on my sign, Maximus, unleash the Gladiator.

No9: We need a hooker able to keep the ball on a string, one able to reach into his box of tricks to begin directing the traffic around the ruck. Hopefully, Alex Ross can show his Rough Magic.

No8: Also needed up front is a no-nonsense prop. Somebody willing to call a spade a shovel, somebody like Officer Wendell ``Bud'' White, formerly of LA Confidential. Can't wait for the Dally M speech.

Section: SPORT

Thanks to Maria